The lockdown church has resorted to various forms of technology – with some hilarious results. Here are Salann’s top ten church Zoom stereotypes, observed in recent weeks. We’re grateful to God for the gift of humour. So important in these trying times.

Important note: The names listed are of course fictional…Probably.

1 Far off Frances

Frances has no coffee table so she positions her laptop, or other device, on the next best available surface – the mantle piece, before retreating back to the sofa. This gives meeting attendees a unique, full body perspective of Frances. Almost artistic you might say. It also means Frances’ prayers sound muffled and far off. Church members strain their ears to pick up that crucial Amen.

2 The Lurker

The lurker is an infrequent church attendee or member of someone’s extended family who tunes in for a sermon at your church. Variety is the spice of life eh? And who cares about ‘membership’. They arrive unannounced, stay muted, and often leave just before the close of the service to avoid any awkward small talk.

3 Caveman Dave

Caveman Dave’s device has a poor camera or he’s sitting in a dark room, or both. The result is a ghostly silhouette – you can make out the shape of his head and shoulders but nothing else. For added effect Dave sometimes slinks away at some point in the meeting making you wonder if he was ever there in the first place…

4 Brazen Boab

Boab, though a faithful and neatly attired church member in normal times, has gotten decidedly brazen since the advent of lockdown fellowship. In church meetings he is now loosely attired in tracksuit bottoms and a hoody. Or worse still – shorts and t shirt. Boab has also lowered himself to swigging a hot beverage before and even during the sermon – delaying his gratification only when absolutely required, such as during the singing of a hymn.

5 Low bandwidth Barbara

Perhaps the most common figure to grace Zoom churches, low bandwidth Barbara has a terrible internet connection meaning her spoken contributions freeze frequently, and she’s endlessly logging in and out of the meeting.

6 Russell

The clue’s in the name. Russell can’t stop moving his tablet or smartphone around during prayer and doesn’t know how to mute himself. The result is a constant and highly irritating rustling sound. Due to the fluid nature of his picture, members are also treated to interesting perspectives of Russell, such as his chin or the top of his head – but rarely his whole face.

7 Granny

Granny is the most endearing member of Zoom church. Only recently introduced to modern technology, Granny has been loosely shown how to use the iPad she didn’t want last Christmas. Her son downloaded Zoom on to it and has carefully provided instructions on how to open the app. Every service is a struggle for Granny and inevitably involves a phone call to a church member to ask why she can’t see them/hear them/open Zoom/unlock the iPad/find the iPad… Bless her.

8 Videoless Val

Val worked out how to turn off her video early on and has mastered the art of attending Zoom church without anybody catching a glimpse of her. Consecutive weeks of canned food, and not bothering to get out of her jammys means Val is in no fit state to be on camera. And why should she anyway?! Her attendance at the meeting is marked only by the white lettering of her name across a blacked-out screen.

9 The pastor’s progeny

Given the preaching role pastor has it would be unthinkable to have his family in shot – and he’ll be darned if they’re sitting in front of him distracting him from his message! The pastor’s brood sit sheepishly in a bedroom somewhere out of the way. Although they are muted, members will notice the withering looks mum dispenses if the kids threaten to make a noise. A lip reader might perceive her words: ’You might not be at church but you’ll behave like you are!’

10 Bad timing Tom

Tom has a particular knack – a gift one might say – for starting his prayers at the same time as other members. Perhaps it is the slight lag – he has the same low-rate internet provider as Barbara. There’s scarcely a more blood-curdling interaction in the modern evangelical church than two people trying to pray at the same time. Zoom makes it so, so much worse.

And a late addition…

Sleeping beauty

Granny’s husband, Grandpa, normally alert and be-suited at church, has struggled to survive the midweek meetings. As the sermon builds, Grandpa fades, his head drooping further and further back until he is 100% catching flies. At some point Granny notices this and gives him a terribly unsubtle dig in the ribs. Grandpa awakes, startled and nods solemnly at the screen. ‘Nobody kens’, he thinks.